at first, i’d seek happiness:
moments to juxtapose all the pain i felt in me.
it became an escape,
an alternate reality,
a utopic haven.
i overdosed so much i stopped getting the highs…
my rainbows started turning grey,
my rollercoaster stopped at the bottom,
my weighs got heavier,
and my smile stopped feeling real.
the steps just kept going further down.
i stopped seeing the fluorescent light that so often gave me a headache.
i stopped seeing everything all together,
but just like a zombie, i kept walking.
then in the darkness,
my tears cushioned the pain,
they fed the fire inside me for a bit longer.
oh how that pain satisfied me tremendously!
so i burned,
i killed my insides.
but as the fire got brighter ,
i started going blind.
as the volume increased,
i started going deaf.
as the heat started increasing,
i lost my touch.
as the fumes started getting stronger,
i could no longer smell.
and oh how bitter everything started to taste.
the taste got so unbearable, so i decided to cut my tongue.
my thoughts flooded through my eyes as my insides were drowning
so i learned to cut the ties between my brain and my heart.
but, no matter how tender the pain was,
how warm the smoke felt in my insides,
i couldn’t let people see.
so i kept cutting the ties
until i could no longer attach them once again.
life was no longer dark,
but i became colorblind,
and i could barely hear the music.
i could no longer feel the pain,
and i couldn’t even taste the bitter salty flavor of the occasional tear.
it’s painfully paralyzing.
i had gone numb.